Sometime between the hours of 2am and 5am, when the hunger pangs begin to hit hard, when you know you’ve inevitably fucked your entire sleep schedule beyond repair, when all the booze and drugs are long gone, when the cigarettes are beginning to leave permanent stains on your person, when the world is quiet except for everything going on in your head, something just… shifts.
You lose perspective. You get tired of waiting. You get fed up with being understanding. You don’t want to understand. You want to yell. You want people to get the fuck out of their beds and out of their sound sleep, rip them away from those nice dreams about that trip to Thailand they never want on or maybe just a dream about a really good sandwich. You take another drag, a heavy one, a deep one, and you think to yourself, “When the fuck did I become a smoker again?”
I’m not angry. I’m not upset. But it’s late, my friends. I don’t even know if that’s even relevant. Late. It could be early. It could be very early. Just the beginning, perhaps. But it doesn’t matter, because the point is, regardless of how you feel, no matter how good things get, there are always things to hate.
I know some people have a distaste for the word hate.
“Oooh, hate? I wouldn’t say that… That’s such a strong word.”
But if you’ve ever loved anything, anything at all, your friends, your family, your pet, your house, your computer, your ability to stand upright, the taste of a good slice of pizza, the way you’ll always find a star in the sky if you look long enough… then you must understand that it is just as valid, just as easy to hate something.
And I do.
I hate several things. They become more apparent in the late night. And especially apparent when you’ve been in your head for too long. So here, in short list form, are all the things I hate right now. At least, the ones that are nagging and eating away at me and keeping me from any sort of sleep.
– Insecurities. We all have them. Who really likes these?
– Noticing pain on other people’s faces. Especially when there’s nothing you can do to really help them.
– Being tired. Sometimes it would be nice to have some real energy. Sure, I could live a healthier lifestyle that might grant me more energy, but this usually eats into the things I deem as fun. And so, i’ll continue to be tired.
– Barely getting by. This might be resolved soon, at least temporarily, but sometimes I wonder if it’s worth what you have to do in order to stay afloat.
– Getting nagged. Especially by people who you’re not even close to. My mother, well, she can nag me til the end of times. But getting nagged by people with ulterior motives just makes me want to punch things. Mostly their faces. Need to get away from these situations.
– Advertisements on YouTube. But that’s no surprise.
– People who won’t help themselves. Because you know they can and just won’t and how that stupid saying about getting a horse to water but not being able to make them drink is pretty damn true.
– The inability to move on. From what? Oh, take your pick.
– Mosquitoes. I do live in Florida, afterall.
– Timing. I am nothing if not a master at bad timing. Not for everything, but mostly when it counts. Or when I feel like it should count. Or when I just really want something. Is what it is.
– Whining. You’d think i’d stop doing it, but sometimes I also love the things I hate.
– Sitting still. Why am I not on the road again? Please, someone, tell me before I attempt the hitch away.
– The unknown. This is another love/hate. Think we’ve all been there, yes? For example, right now, it is unknown whether I will actually post this, and then it is also unknown how long it will be before I take it down, if at all. It’s unknown whether or not i’ll get any sleep tonight. It’s unknown where i’ll be in a few months’ time. It’s unknown if anything I can think of right now will possibly ever work out. It’s unknown how i’ll feel about everything most of the time.
– Distance. From the good things, anyway.
– Not sleeping. See: Being tired.
– Running out of the things you like. The last sip of ginger ale. The last cotton swab in the box. The last episode of your favorite show. The last bit of toilet paper. Empty lighters. Empty gas tanks. Feeling empty.
There are more things, i’m sure, but what good is it to continue blathering on about them? Here’s a good fuck you to all those things.
At the very least, it’s all very therapeutic. Tomorrow (today?) is another day (today?). Don’t think i’ll bother to watch the sunrise this time around, but i’ll leave you with a song I found on one of my high school mix CDs recently that I was once obsessed with.
What keeps you up at night? Be honest. I’m obviously not about to crack the ol’ judgement whip on anyone. Yet.