The Quest for Better Sex (In 5 Steps)

While some choose to resolve to shed 20 lbs, find a better job, or finally buy that house for the new year, my only new year’s resolution was simple: have better sex.

I’ve been a non-virgin for about 12 years (actually, my de-virginizing anniversary is next month!) and had plenty of sex within that time. Some of it has been incredible. Some partners have lingered under my skin for years. But there’s also been plenty of just average sex, not-so-good sex, and plain and simple bad sex. Not in the kinky “bad” way, just… awful.

There’s no real recipe for bad sex. Some say it’s from rushing into sex too quickly while others say it’s from hyping it up over time and inevitably being let down. In my experience, it’s a combination of not knowing what you want, not knowing how to read your partner and/or knowing what they want, and being too shy. Being too drunk is also an issue, but we can let that one slide if you’re a great fuck otherwise.


It’s taken me a long time to understand my body and know what I want and what works and doesn’t for me. In fact, it’s a never ending process. Every person is different. Some girls only cum clitorally, others vaginally, others a combination. Depending on body type and, well, skill level, certain positions work better than others. Allowing yourself to really pay attention to what your body wants is a challenge, but it’s well worth it to have better sex.

Back in college, I was a member of the Planned Parenthood VOX group on campus. One day, we had a discussion on how to have better sex and went around the group asking every person what they thought was the most important thing when it came to having good sex. My response? Learn To Communicate!

Communication is seriously a big key (maybe the biggest key, unless you’re with a Magnum man – ha, joke) when it comes to having great sex. It’s something that takes most of us some warming up to, but in the end it’s worth it. There are several ways to communicate with your partner, so don’t start thinking it’s all dirty talk (although to be honest, that works as well). However, you can’t communicate until you know what it is you want to say in the first place.

Here are 5 simple rules so that you might begin to have the kind of fantastic sex I have only more recently begun to realize exists:


1. Know yourself. It makes me sad to think that there are people in this world that have never masturbated. It makes me sadder to know that there are many others who are still too puritanical to explore themselves and find out what works for them. I discovered masturbation from a relatively young age (about 10) and have been spreading the gospel of self-love ever since. You might not ever have a sexually satisfying life until you know exactly what gets you off. And like I’ve said before, everyone is different so it’s not like a multiple choice exam. You can’t just pick what the guy next to you likes and expect the same results.

So how does one go about figuring this stuff out? Fantasizing, for one. Your mind is a playground. Let yourself go crazy in there and see what you come up with while you rub one out. Maybe it’s a fantasy about a professor keeping you late after class and bending you over his podium (wink, wink). Or you might imagine yourself strapped down to a table awaiting your partner while they masturbate in front of you. [Haha, you get the picture. I can go on with these scenarios though!] Case in point, your mind will not lead you astray and neither will your genitalia.

Also, porn. I know some folks aren’t in to it, but to them I say the same thing that’s said about wine: there’s something for everyone. You might not know it at first, and to the untrained eye, Viv Thomas and Bang Bus are on the same level (note: they are not). Find some free porn sites and start figuring out what you like more. One day it might be facials and another it’s group sex and another it’s just straight up missionary style. You might find you’re more open to things that you once thought. Maybe you see a new position you’ve never tried or a fun new toy and you can bring that to the bedroom.

And speaking of toys, you also want to know which ones work best for you (and which you’d like to try on a partner). You might be a furry handcuffs gal or maybe you’ll find an adjustable spreader bar is more to your liking. Visit a sex shop in person (FYI Miami folks: Playthings is having a “Couples Night” this Saturday, January 28th, with drinks, guest speakers, and sales!) or find one online and be wow-ed by the endless options of toys created solely for the purpose of us all getting off.


2. Know your partner. This one may take some time, but then again it might not. Depending on your comfort level and the chemistry between you, it might be really simple figuring out what your partner enjoys. Pay attention to their reactions to different stimuli. Put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine what they might view as sexy and/or what might feel really good. Be giving! Regardless of how generous some of us are, at the end we all enjoy a little personal attention. Experiment to see what works for your partner and what doesn’t. And when you’re at a loss, just ask! I know this can be tricky at first, but a simple “how does that feel?”, “you like that, baby?”, or “what do you want me to do now?” tends to work pretty well. And of course, the more time passes, the more knowledge you’ll store as you explore your partner further.


3. Get comfortable. Nothing takes the sexiness away from a moment faster than someone that is visibly uncomfortable (unless that’s your kink, but that’s a whole other subject). If you’re new to sex, or just not very at ease around new partners, it might take a while. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Maybe a massage will help. Make out for a while, let yourself build up to it. And let’s not forget the social lubricant of the ages (not that I’m suggesting you need a drink before sex, but sometimes a nice glass of red wine is enough to get the blood pumping enough so you stop worrying about what they’ll think of your body once your naked or whatever other inhibitions you have and focus on having a good time). If something makes you uncomfortable (your location, the position you’re in, etc.), let your partner know so they can help you find a way to be more comfortable. You’ll find that unless your partner is a total douchebag (in which case, why are you fucking them?), they’ll be more than happy to do anything and everything to ensure that you’re enjoying yourself the whole time.


4. Communicate! Don’t let shyness get in the way of having a wonderful time. All of these steps kind of flow in and out of each other. You won’t communicate very well until you’re comfortable, but once you are, be sure to make communication a priority. If you enjoy something, let them know! “That’s a fucking great position,” “that feels so good,” “I love that so much,” “do that more,” are all easy phrases to communicate what you enjoy. “Let’s try something else,” “that’s not really working for me,” “here, let me try something,” and “you know? I’m just not that into that” are all ways of letting your partner know what you’re not enjoying without being a jerk about it and/or shaking their confidence (this can be tricky as you don’t want egos getting bruised but you want to be honest and let them know that although that might’ve worked on someone else, your body is different.) Don’t be scared to explain. The scene below from Chasing Amy is pretty educational on this stance:


“Like CNN and the Weather Channel: Constant updates.”


5. Lose yourself. If you want to have good sex, learn to stop worrying and just have a good time! Relax. Open yourself to new possibilities. Your partner might be able to teach you a few new moves or they might even turn you on to new kinks you never knew you liked. Don’t put so much stress on the before or after, just let yourself get lost in the moment. Allow yourself to feel everything, focus on feeling good, and you’ll find it. If you have sex with someone and no matter how much you tell them to do this and not that, they still don’t get it, move along! There’s no reason to allow yourself to get stuck in a bad sex routine. I’ve had a few situations where I put my own needs on the backburner and tried to please someone else and at the end, felt wholly unsatisfied. If only one person’s needs are being met, you’re not having great sex. Some people just aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s perfectly fine! Find someone who IS on the same page, and prepare to raise the bar on your sex life. Strive for the best and there’s no doubt you’ll have a fantastic time.


If this in any way improves your sex life, please let me know. I’d love to know i’ve found yet another way to get someone off (or at least to have a positive influence that led to that). For now, here’s a little sexytimes music to get you started on your journey:

3 responses

  1. Your points are very well made, especially about communication and self loving. Few points:

    1- Too many people suffer through a shitty sexual experience rather than trying to fix it during or just stopping. I’ve stopped sex before. I’ve given pointers in the middle of getting head (because frankly, most girls I’ve been with, are TERRIBLE at it). And you know what, if someone gets offended at this, you probably shouldn’t be wasting your time having sex with them either.

    2 – With only on exception, every single girl I have met in my life that had never orgasmed (and there are A LOT) either had never really played with themselves, or just did it very infrequently. The constant refrain of “well why do it when I can have someone else do it for me” shows off an inherent laziness and complete misunderstanding of the sexual world.

    3 -Another thing is that, just like how two people liking each other is not an automatic reason for them to be together, two people liking each other sexually is not an automatic reason for them to have sex. People let their emotions and mentality influence their acceptance of sexuality, when they should let their body lead the way. True, this is something that only one that spends time getting to know themselves can truly do well, but that is what people should aim for. I am a great judge of character and over the years have learned to feel people out via their vibes. No clairvoyant bullshit, it’s just reading people and how they act, and being able to interpret how it relates to who they are. This can be done sexually as well, since a persons sexuality is very evident in their “non sexual” mannerisms and behaviors.

    4 – I can almost always tell if someone will be good or bad just from a hug. Granted, there are a few exceptions…one of the best fucks I had in my life was one of the worst huggers. But I think there is a definite connection between how open someone is physically with another via touch (a hug, in particular) to how they will be in bed with someone else.

    5 – Just say NO. Back to point #3…I actually have very little sex nowadays. Why? Because I’d rather go MONTHS not having sex, if it’s not going to be amazing. I’ve wasted too much of my sexual life away chasing the skirts of the less worthy, hoping for a good lay, and not following my own advice. For now, I’d rather it be far and few between yet mindblowing, than frequent but average. “There’s no such thing as bad sex” is something that I find to be true for people that do not truly appreciate sex.

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