The Business of Getting Off (Notes on the Orgasm)

This is your brain on orgasm (Photo Credit: The Daily Beast)

Back in high school, I had a friend confess that she had never reached orgasm. She masturbated sometimes and had already had sex, but no matter what, she could never cum. Sometimes she would say, “I think I might have cum but I’m not sure,” to which I would always reply, “trust me. If you did, you would know it.”

It was true. About a year later, the same girl wound up in a new relationship and this time, those involuntary contractions finally kicked in. There was no question about it.

Now, before I go on – no, that girl was not me. I was fortunate enough to discover my first orgasm when I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. And when I did, I knew it was love.

But anyone that’s ever cum knows that it’s not always as easy as it was the first time you did. With those overly sensitive days of adolescence behind me, I’ve come to realize a few things about the business of getting off:

It’s not the end of the world if you don’t. It really isn’t. When my friend was experiencing “orgasm-block,” I wondered why it was she still masturbated or had sex in the first place. “It still feels good,” she would say, and eventually it made sense. In those days, it didn’t matter if it took me 2 minutes or 2 hours; if I was masturbating, I was definitely going to get off. But sex was different. My first few partners were never able to help me reach orgasm. It wasn’t because I wasn’t into them and it wasn’t because I didn’t know how to on my own. It just wouldn’t happen. In retrospect, it could be in part because I was much more reserved about sex in those days (more vanilla missionary, not too much foreplay, etc). It could also be due to the fact that my youthful partners were also quite inexperienced (one was a virgin and the others may as well have been) and just as reserved. These are things that a younger version of myself was fine with overlooking. Again, none of them could make me cum so it began to feel commonplace. Plus, I’ve always been of the mindset that it’s more about the journey than the destination. Depending on your partner and how good the sex is, it might not even matter (this is RARE, but has been known to happen). While this is all well and good, I would never complain about reaching orgasm with a partner today, and to be honest, unless the sex is near perfect in other respects, it’s not likely I’ll be sticking around a partner that can’t help me cum for very long.

Everyone gets off differently. Like I said before, orgasms with partners used to be as elusive to me as confirmed Big Foot sightings (still waiting on those). Over time, I became open to all kinds of sexual positions, but getting off continued to be a mystery. One day though, I decided that if they couldn’t get me off, I might as well try it on my own. And so I discovered the key to getting me off was via clitoral stimulation. Suddenly, it all made sense. I could have sex AND get off at the same time! Why didn’t I learn this sooner? Considering the fact that you rarely see women pleasuring themselves to orgasm in movie sex scenes or even in most standard straight porn, it made sense that it didn’t dawn on me earlier. Not to mention how little orgasms are discussed in general (positive discussions about orgasms in sex ed? Definitely not the standard here.) I spent so many years wondering if something was just “wrong” with me that I never realized the answer was right at my own fingertips. Now, this doesn’t mean that this is the key for every woman, but it very often does help, especially if she’s unable to reach an orgasm vaginally (which is a much rarer occurrence than most realize). And once you begin to realize the different things that help you orgasm, the more frequently you’ll be able to do so, and the better a lover you’ll be since this awareness will bring with it more confidence and the ability to let your partners know what they can do to get you off. It’s a win/win situation!

Your mind can be your best friend of your worst enemy when it comes to cumming. There are so many factors involved when it comes to reaching orgasm. Stress levels, depression, performance anxiety – these things can certainly cause a person, female OR male, to lose their ability to orgasm. I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum, and it can become incredibly frustrating for both you and your partner. However, it’s always important to understand that in these scenarios, no one is at fault, and how you proceed from there can really make or break a person. No one likes to hear discouraging comments from their partner, regardless of whether they’re your spouse, friend with benefits, or a random booty call. “Wow, you take too long,” is not a flattering response to your lover’s inability to climax when you want them, and chances are that this kind of attitude will lead to the death of your sexual romps with said partner. Rolling over and falling asleep or fleeing the scene of the crime once you’ve cum, leaving your partner alone in their frustration, is also not an appropriate response. You always want to make sure you do everything possible to help your partner cum (in which case, you’re only allowed to leave the room if they think it’ll actually help – but then there’s a good chance you won’t be invited back in). There are a million different ways to get someone off, or to at least help them get off. And if it still doesn’t happen, just make sure they’re the ones to call it quits or else you might fall victim to a series of faked orgasms, created specifically to avoid complaints from lazy lovers the world over.

(I’ll definitely be writing more on this later.)

There’s just so much ground to cover when it comes to the wonders of climaxing. But in the end, there’s only one thing you really need to know: It’s (probably) the best thing you’ll ever feel. Ever. I know earlier I said it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen. And this is true, so long as the opportunity to cum exists in the future. Sexual activity of any kind can be seriously appreciated even without orgasm, but there is nothing in this world like those few seconds of pure ecstasy*.

If you’ve never had the good fortune to cum, well, first, why are you reading this!? Get off your computer, find a little privacy (or don’t, if that’s your thing), and get to working on yourself! Or if you’re lucky enough to have someone that can help you out, get to them now and spend a few hours, days, weeks exploring each other until you’re finally able to. After all, there’s nothing like the ego-boost that comes with getting someone else off, and if you have a partner that’s just too lazy to realize that, move on to someone better (even if that someone better happens to be made of silicone and batteries).

It’s that simple.

*Alright, there might be something that comes close, but we’ll save that for another discussion.

Ovaries to the Wall: Let’s Blog About Sex!

Hello, world. I have a confession to make. To those of you who already know me, you probably already know this. Some of you might even know about this from first hand experience. But for those of you that don’t, I think it’s time I came clean. In my regular life, I’m not really shy about this subject, but for some reason I tend to really censor myself when it comes to public writing. Regardless, here it is.

I…

Love…

(and I mean, Really Love…)

(gasp!)

Yeah, that’s right. Sex. There. It’s out. I love talking about it, reading about it, hearing stories about it, and most definitely – having it (with boys, with girls, alone). Hell, as I write this, I’m already thinking about the sex I could be having right now but am not for the sake of writing about sex.

Now, I’ve been blogging for many, many years. And often, when I’m writing about an experience in my life, I gloss over the sexual aspects. To put it in Seinfeld terms, I have a bad tendency of Yadda Yadda-ing sex.

However, I’ve also realized that when telling stories in my own life, people seem to respond pretty well to the sex parts. I mean hell, there’s a reason people say that sex sells. There’s a reason why Candace Bushnell could technically retire now that they’ve got yet another Sex and the City movie in the works. So then why is it so terrifying for me at this very moment to be baring it all (figuratively, anyway) to the world?

I suppose it’s the same reason why I’m writing this all to begin with. Sex, as old as humanity (and then some), continues to be a taboo subject. It’s mind-boggling when you really think about it. Over the centuries, we’ve created so many rules and regulations in regards to sex. When you can have sex, where, with whom. In some societies, polyamory is king. In others, adulterers can face a death penalty. We live in a society where we frown upon adult men having sex with girls 17 years of age that might look much older, but we encourage the use of school girl uniforms and juvenile pigtails on girls that might be just a few months older (as long as they’re 18, right?)

And I guess it’s all these things that bother me about it. I grew up slack-Catholic but in general, my family has always been very conservative. I know this because I am 27 years old and still cannot sit still in the room with my parents if there’s an impending sex scene in a movie. I still have memories of being told to leave the room or turn around and hum to myself as a child when these would come up.

Throughout my life, I’ve watched movies and television show, read books and listened to songs about men “scoring with chicks” and how Real Men always have a lot of sex, preferably with different people.

At the same time, there was also lot of “girls should be virginal and pure” and “girls who have sex with multiple partners are whores.” Still, throughout this, I found certain female role models who were open about their sexuality. Elaine Benes of Seinfeld, for one. She had no problems telling men what she wanted. She had sex but was also responsible (anyone remember The Sponge?*) She was smart and sassy and good looking without being completely unrealistic and I loved her for it. In later years, my attention turned to the ladies of SATC, particularly Samantha Jones.

Samantha never had a problem telling it like it is. She enjoyed sex, quite possibly more than most people, and never allowed people to put her down or make her feel bad about it.

And why should we feel bad? Why is it that some people are so uncomfortable talking about sex? And why is it important that we have more open discussions about sex and sexuality, and about being smart and safe and comfortable around sex? Because there’s still work to be done in opening the minds of others to the fact that sex is normal, natural, and can be one of the greatest things you experience! And I don’t just mean standard missionary boy-girl sex. Sex can be with a partner, alone, multiple partners, with toys, over the phone, on the internet, even via text thanks to the advent of technology and the steady libido of the human race. Many people still don’t take full advantage of all the different ways to live a sexually satisfying life though. Many people still feel shame about these issues. And on a more serious note, there is still a lot of sexual violence going on throughout the world, especially toward women. This ties in to other sex-related topics: rape, incest, sex trafficking, etc. Those are also subjects I feel very strongly about. Sexual violence perpetuates the cycle of negative views toward sex. Someone that has been raped or abused may have, among other issues, difficulties with their sexuality. Most societies also have negative views of sex workers, whether they be prostitutes or pornographic actors. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you see where I’m coming from.

Basically, I want to create a space to discuss sex because, like I said, I really do love it. Whether it be my own personal experiences and discoveries, or about the topic in general. And I want others to see it and learn things and become enlightened about their own sexuality, or at the very least have a laugh whenever I divulge some of my more interesting personal encounters, as I’m sure I will. (Don’t worry, I won’t use real names so as to protect the innocent!)

So there it is. I love sex, and you’re about to start reading a whole lot more about it soon enough. If that’s your cup of tea, feel free to click on the ol’ Follow or Subscribe buttons on the page and you’ll get more than your fill of cunt-chat and dick-discussion in the future.

Let’s end this with one of my favorite sexy-time songs of all time:

 

PS. Of course i’ll still be writing about other things – writing and travel and whatnot. It’ll just be a bit more raunchy. I’m sure you don’t mind.

PSS. This post was in part inspired by Girl with a one-track mind and in another part inspired by a former hook-up and friend of mine. You might read about him later.

*Bit of trivia: Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls is the man Elaine is dating and trying to decide is “sponge-worthy” or not