The Business of Getting Off (Notes on the Orgasm)

This is your brain on orgasm (Photo Credit: The Daily Beast)

Back in high school, I had a friend confess that she had never reached orgasm. She masturbated sometimes and had already had sex, but no matter what, she could never cum. Sometimes she would say, “I think I might have cum but I’m not sure,” to which I would always reply, “trust me. If you did, you would know it.”

It was true. About a year later, the same girl wound up in a new relationship and this time, those involuntary contractions finally kicked in. There was no question about it.

Now, before I go on – no, that girl was not me. I was fortunate enough to discover my first orgasm when I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. And when I did, I knew it was love.

But anyone that’s ever cum knows that it’s not always as easy as it was the first time you did. With those overly sensitive days of adolescence behind me, I’ve come to realize a few things about the business of getting off:

It’s not the end of the world if you don’t. It really isn’t. When my friend was experiencing “orgasm-block,” I wondered why it was she still masturbated or had sex in the first place. “It still feels good,” she would say, and eventually it made sense. In those days, it didn’t matter if it took me 2 minutes or 2 hours; if I was masturbating, I was definitely going to get off. But sex was different. My first few partners were never able to help me reach orgasm. It wasn’t because I wasn’t into them and it wasn’t because I didn’t know how to on my own. It just wouldn’t happen. In retrospect, it could be in part because I was much more reserved about sex in those days (more vanilla missionary, not too much foreplay, etc). It could also be due to the fact that my youthful partners were also quite inexperienced (one was a virgin and the others may as well have been) and just as reserved. These are things that a younger version of myself was fine with overlooking. Again, none of them could make me cum so it began to feel commonplace. Plus, I’ve always been of the mindset that it’s more about the journey than the destination. Depending on your partner and how good the sex is, it might not even matter (this is RARE, but has been known to happen). While this is all well and good, I would never complain about reaching orgasm with a partner today, and to be honest, unless the sex is near perfect in other respects, it’s not likely I’ll be sticking around a partner that can’t help me cum for very long.

Everyone gets off differently. Like I said before, orgasms with partners used to be as elusive to me as confirmed Big Foot sightings (still waiting on those). Over time, I became open to all kinds of sexual positions, but getting off continued to be a mystery. One day though, I decided that if they couldn’t get me off, I might as well try it on my own. And so I discovered the key to getting me off was via clitoral stimulation. Suddenly, it all made sense. I could have sex AND get off at the same time! Why didn’t I learn this sooner? Considering the fact that you rarely see women pleasuring themselves to orgasm in movie sex scenes or even in most standard straight porn, it made sense that it didn’t dawn on me earlier. Not to mention how little orgasms are discussed in general (positive discussions about orgasms in sex ed? Definitely not the standard here.) I spent so many years wondering if something was just “wrong” with me that I never realized the answer was right at my own fingertips. Now, this doesn’t mean that this is the key for every woman, but it very often does help, especially if she’s unable to reach an orgasm vaginally (which is a much rarer occurrence than most realize). And once you begin to realize the different things that help you orgasm, the more frequently you’ll be able to do so, and the better a lover you’ll be since this awareness will bring with it more confidence and the ability to let your partners know what they can do to get you off. It’s a win/win situation!

Your mind can be your best friend of your worst enemy when it comes to cumming. There are so many factors involved when it comes to reaching orgasm. Stress levels, depression, performance anxiety – these things can certainly cause a person, female OR male, to lose their ability to orgasm. I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum, and it can become incredibly frustrating for both you and your partner. However, it’s always important to understand that in these scenarios, no one is at fault, and how you proceed from there can really make or break a person. No one likes to hear discouraging comments from their partner, regardless of whether they’re your spouse, friend with benefits, or a random booty call. “Wow, you take too long,” is not a flattering response to your lover’s inability to climax when you want them, and chances are that this kind of attitude will lead to the death of your sexual romps with said partner. Rolling over and falling asleep or fleeing the scene of the crime once you’ve cum, leaving your partner alone in their frustration, is also not an appropriate response. You always want to make sure you do everything possible to help your partner cum (in which case, you’re only allowed to leave the room if they think it’ll actually help – but then there’s a good chance you won’t be invited back in). There are a million different ways to get someone off, or to at least help them get off. And if it still doesn’t happen, just make sure they’re the ones to call it quits or else you might fall victim to a series of faked orgasms, created specifically to avoid complaints from lazy lovers the world over.

(I’ll definitely be writing more on this later.)

There’s just so much ground to cover when it comes to the wonders of climaxing. But in the end, there’s only one thing you really need to know: It’s (probably) the best thing you’ll ever feel. Ever. I know earlier I said it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen. And this is true, so long as the opportunity to cum exists in the future. Sexual activity of any kind can be seriously appreciated even without orgasm, but there is nothing in this world like those few seconds of pure ecstasy*.

If you’ve never had the good fortune to cum, well, first, why are you reading this!? Get off your computer, find a little privacy (or don’t, if that’s your thing), and get to working on yourself! Or if you’re lucky enough to have someone that can help you out, get to them now and spend a few hours, days, weeks exploring each other until you’re finally able to. After all, there’s nothing like the ego-boost that comes with getting someone else off, and if you have a partner that’s just too lazy to realize that, move on to someone better (even if that someone better happens to be made of silicone and batteries).

It’s that simple.

*Alright, there might be something that comes close, but we’ll save that for another discussion.

The Quest for Better Sex (In 5 Steps)

While some choose to resolve to shed 20 lbs, find a better job, or finally buy that house for the new year, my only new year’s resolution was simple: have better sex.

I’ve been a non-virgin for about 12 years (actually, my de-virginizing anniversary is next month!) and had plenty of sex within that time. Some of it has been incredible. Some partners have lingered under my skin for years. But there’s also been plenty of just average sex, not-so-good sex, and plain and simple bad sex. Not in the kinky “bad” way, just… awful.

There’s no real recipe for bad sex. Some say it’s from rushing into sex too quickly while others say it’s from hyping it up over time and inevitably being let down. In my experience, it’s a combination of not knowing what you want, not knowing how to read your partner and/or knowing what they want, and being too shy. Being too drunk is also an issue, but we can let that one slide if you’re a great fuck otherwise.

 

It’s taken me a long time to understand my body and know what I want and what works and doesn’t for me. In fact, it’s a never ending process. Every person is different. Some girls only cum clitorally, others vaginally, others a combination. Depending on body type and, well, skill level, certain positions work better than others. Allowing yourself to really pay attention to what your body wants is a challenge, but it’s well worth it to have better sex.

Back in college, I was a member of the Planned Parenthood VOX group on campus. One day, we had a discussion on how to have better sex and went around the group asking every person what they thought was the most important thing when it came to having good sex. My response? Learn To Communicate!

Communication is seriously a big key (maybe the biggest key, unless you’re with a Magnum man – ha, joke) when it comes to having great sex. It’s something that takes most of us some warming up to, but in the end it’s worth it. There are several ways to communicate with your partner, so don’t start thinking it’s all dirty talk (although to be honest, that works as well). However, you can’t communicate until you know what it is you want to say in the first place.

Here are 5 simple rules so that you might begin to have the kind of fantastic sex I have only more recently begun to realize exists:

 

1. Know yourself. It makes me sad to think that there are people in this world that have never masturbated. It makes me sadder to know that there are many others who are still too puritanical to explore themselves and find out what works for them. I discovered masturbation from a relatively young age (about 10) and have been spreading the gospel of self-love ever since. You might not ever have a sexually satisfying life until you know exactly what gets you off. And like I’ve said before, everyone is different so it’s not like a multiple choice exam. You can’t just pick what the guy next to you likes and expect the same results.

So how does one go about figuring this stuff out? Fantasizing, for one. Your mind is a playground. Let yourself go crazy in there and see what you come up with while you rub one out. Maybe it’s a fantasy about a professor keeping you late after class and bending you over his podium (wink, wink). Or you might imagine yourself strapped down to a table awaiting your partner while they masturbate in front of you. [Haha, you get the picture. I can go on with these scenarios though!] Case in point, your mind will not lead you astray and neither will your genitalia.

Also, porn. I know some folks aren’t in to it, but to them I say the same thing that’s said about wine: there’s something for everyone. You might not know it at first, and to the untrained eye, Viv Thomas and Bang Bus are on the same level (note: they are not). Find some free porn sites and start figuring out what you like more. One day it might be facials and another it’s group sex and another it’s just straight up missionary style. You might find you’re more open to things that you once thought. Maybe you see a new position you’ve never tried or a fun new toy and you can bring that to the bedroom.

And speaking of toys, you also want to know which ones work best for you (and which you’d like to try on a partner). You might be a furry handcuffs gal or maybe you’ll find an adjustable spreader bar is more to your liking. Visit a sex shop in person (FYI Miami folks: Playthings is having a “Couples Night” this Saturday, January 28th, with drinks, guest speakers, and sales!) or find one online and be wow-ed by the endless options of toys created solely for the purpose of us all getting off.

 

2. Know your partner. This one may take some time, but then again it might not. Depending on your comfort level and the chemistry between you, it might be really simple figuring out what your partner enjoys. Pay attention to their reactions to different stimuli. Put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine what they might view as sexy and/or what might feel really good. Be giving! Regardless of how generous some of us are, at the end we all enjoy a little personal attention. Experiment to see what works for your partner and what doesn’t. And when you’re at a loss, just ask! I know this can be tricky at first, but a simple “how does that feel?”, “you like that, baby?”, or “what do you want me to do now?” tends to work pretty well. And of course, the more time passes, the more knowledge you’ll store as you explore your partner further.

 

3. Get comfortable. Nothing takes the sexiness away from a moment faster than someone that is visibly uncomfortable (unless that’s your kink, but that’s a whole other subject). If you’re new to sex, or just not very at ease around new partners, it might take a while. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Maybe a massage will help. Make out for a while, let yourself build up to it. And let’s not forget the social lubricant of the ages (not that I’m suggesting you need a drink before sex, but sometimes a nice glass of red wine is enough to get the blood pumping enough so you stop worrying about what they’ll think of your body once your naked or whatever other inhibitions you have and focus on having a good time). If something makes you uncomfortable (your location, the position you’re in, etc.), let your partner know so they can help you find a way to be more comfortable. You’ll find that unless your partner is a total douchebag (in which case, why are you fucking them?), they’ll be more than happy to do anything and everything to ensure that you’re enjoying yourself the whole time.

 

4. Communicate! Don’t let shyness get in the way of having a wonderful time. All of these steps kind of flow in and out of each other. You won’t communicate very well until you’re comfortable, but once you are, be sure to make communication a priority. If you enjoy something, let them know! “That’s a fucking great position,” “that feels so good,” “I love that so much,” “do that more,” are all easy phrases to communicate what you enjoy. “Let’s try something else,” “that’s not really working for me,” “here, let me try something,” and “you know? I’m just not that into that” are all ways of letting your partner know what you’re not enjoying without being a jerk about it and/or shaking their confidence (this can be tricky as you don’t want egos getting bruised but you want to be honest and let them know that although that might’ve worked on someone else, your body is different.) Don’t be scared to explain. The scene below from Chasing Amy is pretty educational on this stance:

 

“Like CNN and the Weather Channel: Constant updates.”

 

5. Lose yourself. If you want to have good sex, learn to stop worrying and just have a good time! Relax. Open yourself to new possibilities. Your partner might be able to teach you a few new moves or they might even turn you on to new kinks you never knew you liked. Don’t put so much stress on the before or after, just let yourself get lost in the moment. Allow yourself to feel everything, focus on feeling good, and you’ll find it. If you have sex with someone and no matter how much you tell them to do this and not that, they still don’t get it, move along! There’s no reason to allow yourself to get stuck in a bad sex routine. I’ve had a few situations where I put my own needs on the backburner and tried to please someone else and at the end, felt wholly unsatisfied. If only one person’s needs are being met, you’re not having great sex. Some people just aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s perfectly fine! Find someone who IS on the same page, and prepare to raise the bar on your sex life. Strive for the best and there’s no doubt you’ll have a fantastic time.

 

If this in any way improves your sex life, please let me know. I’d love to know i’ve found yet another way to get someone off (or at least to have a positive influence that led to that). For now, here’s a little sexytimes music to get you started on your journey: