Reasons Why Your OKCupid Messages Go Unanswered

Pris Killingly: Serial Online Dater, at your service.

A few posts ago, I gave some advice on how to meet people from the internet and came out of the online dating closet. I’ve been a practicing OKCupider for a bit over a year now and have received a ridiculous amount of messages throughout the past few months. Some messages have been awesome and intrigued me right away. Some were a bit more bland and got lost in the shuffle. And then of course, a few stood out because of how absurd or ridiculous they were. When I first got on the site, I did my best to answer each and every message, even if I had absolutely no interest in the sender. Basically, I thought it was just bad manners to allow a letter to go unanswered. But time passed and the more messages I received, the harder it got to answer them all. Eventually, I began only selecting the more interesting messages from people I might potentially want to date or hang out with, leaving the rest to collect virtual dust until I got that message again: Your mailbox (incoming+sent) is almost full. Soon you’ll stop getting messages! That’s when I know it’s time to let the bygones be bygones and off they go into the trash.

I still feel kinda bad about letting so many of these messages go unanswered. There are many reasons why this happens. It’s not always one simple answer and truth be told, while I can be a bitch as much as the next person in my regular life, i’m actually a pretty nice person on the whole and i’d like to think I make for a decent online dater. (If you don’t believe me, i’ve got references!) So for those who are upset that I didn’t answer back, for those that don’t give a shit, or for others of you who are just now getting into the online dating game, here’s a few reasons why your letters might go unanswered. Advice on how to avoid letter rejectionitis included within each explanation.

Please don't be as creepy as Conebone69! (If you get the reference, congratulations. You're awesome.)

1. Your username creeps me out. This is essentially the first impression you’re making on me. When I get an e-mail from OKC, the first thing i’ll see if your username. Make sure it’s something not too over the top. If you reference body parts (e.g. bigblackcock*, ballsdeepstud, etc) or how “hot” you are (e.g. sexypapi69 or something to that effect), I probably won’t want to talk to you. If your username is something too specifically geared toward something that doesn’t interest me at all but is obviously a passion of yours (e.g. dragonwzrdking, gonefishing, anothergoodxtian, etc), I might also not answer. Maybe this is too judgemental of me. Maybe “RonPaulFanboy” has other qualities aside from wanting to constantly fellate his favored presidential candidate**. However, my distaste for RP is too great to get over and as I do need some way to filter out the messages I get, RonPaulFanboy will likely get deleted in favor of someone else.

2. You have absolutely no pictures. This is a no-brainer. Online dating sites allow you, nay, encourage you to post several pictures of yourself in order to give your potential date an idea of what they’re getting themselves in to. I use the allotted 10 image limit that OKCupid gives me to provide others with a good idea of what I look like. Even if you’re just looking to be friends, I still want to know what you look like. If I wanted to hang out with someone whose face I can’t see, i’d call over the gimp.

Huh? What? Sorry, wasn't listening.

3. You have nothing interesting to say. Alright, this isn’t necessarily fair. Maybe you just didn’t know what to say or how to say what you wanted to say without sounding creepy, weird, desperate, or some combination of those things. However, just saying “hey” or “sup?” or “hi cutie” or whatever makes the receiver of the message (me, in this example) feel like a. you’re not very creative and b. you don’t like to put in much effort. And if there’s one thing I highly value, it’s someone who puts forth effort. Make a casual mention about something on my profile and/or in one of my pictures. Or come up with a funny icebreaker. Make it so that i’d feel a bit like a jerk if I didn’t somehow respond, even if i’m not necessarily fully interested. There’s always a chance I might become more interested as a result.

4. You lay it on TOO thick. From time to time, I respond to someone who compliments me on my looks via message. But if that’s the only thing you’ve got to say to me (e.g. “Damn honey, you look good!”), my attention span might not last. Some people also just go a little too overboard with their approach. “You with all those curves and me with no breaks!” is just one of several lines that, while appreciated (this shit makes me laugh always), won’t necessarily work on me, and therefore might not work on many others. Also, people claiming they want to sweep me off my feet and show me everything i’ve been missing need not apply. I like my feet firmly planted on the ground. I’m usually looking for an equal to run around with instead. But I guess some people might go for that stuff.

5. I wanted to answer, but couldn’t come up with a clever response in a timely manner. Basically, I read your message and you seemed pretty cool, but then I had to rush to work and decided i’d respond later. Except then I got home and realized I needed to get groceries, so I told myself i’d write when I got home. But then I forgot I didn’t have any clean laundry, so I went to do that, and when I got back online, Facebook and Twitter began vying for my attention and I completely forgot to write to you. And then, a few days passed, maybe weeks, even months, and then I remembered I wanted to write to you but possibly felt embarassed to do so now, after so much time. This is a rare occurrence but it HAS happened. In fact, I just wrote to someone today who seemed like a fun person to hang out with that i’d exchange messages with last May but then completely forgot to follow up with. We’ll see if he responds.

Why must you insist on making me facepalm so much?

6. You picked a fight with me for absolutely no reason. This has happened. I once had a guy message me to let me know how much he hated Charles Bukowski (after seeing “Ham on Rye” listed as what I was currently reading). He went on to talk about how drunk writers are all overrated hacks (he obviously didn’t know who he was writing to). I entertained his messages for a couple of minutes and then finally got bored and stopped responding. He continued to message me, eventually asking if I was interested in him at all. My jaw dropped to the floor and as I picked it back up, my finger hit the ‘delete’ button.

7. I’m kinda-sorta seeing someone. Kinda. I don’t really date monogamously at the moment. Truth be told, I haven’t really found anyone that i’d want to take such a step with (for various reasons). However, there have been moments here and there, very rare and short-lived ones, where I wanted to see where something might go with someone. And so, I might’ve felt a bit strange answering your message at such a time. Obviously I’m still single and none of those situations quite worked out, so the chances that this is the reason your message went unanswered are slim to nil, but it might be true again in the future. You never know.

Take a lesson from the Fonz. Heyooo!

8. You have absolutely no confidence in yourself. I know this probably sounds mean, but if you don’t think you’re anything special, why should I? No, but seriously, if your first message is loaded with phrases like “I’m really shitty at this”, “I know I don’t have a chance”, or “I’m probably not your type,” well, for one, it’ll make me kinda sad because I’m sure you’re probably a very nice person but are lacking in the self-esteem department. I’m not here to be anyone’s cheerleader though. It’s hard enough to keep my own esteem relatively up (while working against ever becoming too much of an egomaniac) without having to try and let you know how special I think you are. My job is not to massage egos. Figure your shit out, learn your best qualities, embrace who you are, and then get back to me.

9. All your pictures are inconsistent and/or terrible. Some people look different in all of their images. This bothers me to no end. Which one do you REALLY look like? I might still talk to you, but this is always going to bug me to no end. Also, if you’re taking low angle shots of yourself… please… for the love of the gods… STOP! It’s not flattering for anyone. Not anyone.*** I’ve actually been considering lending out my services to people (especially gentlemen) by advising people on which pictures to use in their online dating profiles. Hell, i’ll even take em for you, so long as you quit it with the low angle. Shirtless pics should also be avoided unless it’s a pic of you at the beach/pool/other large body of water and you’re very comfortable/confident in your body (not necessarily that you’re super fit, but that you carry yourself well). Also, pictures of you looking like absolute shit with captions like “Looking like shit after a long night out” or “Exhausted, cranky, looking terrible” should be avoided. Why the fuck do people post bad pictures of themselves? We all have a good side, a perfect angle that captures what we look like and still puts us in the best light. Go with what works. PS. I don’t want to see pics of you in more than one Halloween/theme party costume (unless they’re amazing costumes – dressing in drag isn’t amazing unless you’re actually in the biz of being a drag king/queen FYI). Goofy fact pics should also be kept to a minimum. We might think that’s what you actually normally look like and then we’ll never take you seriously.

Arrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh!

10. You are rude. “I wanna fuck u” is not a good icebreaker – unless maybe you’re Ryan Gosling. Also, harassing me by sending constant messages after I failed to respond to the first one is a quick way to get me to completely ignore you. Sometimes I take a while to respond because I want to figure out the right thing to say, or maybe i’ve just been busy, or I might be seeing someone at the time and don’t want to try to date anyone else. Or maybe i’m just not interested. (It’s probably that.) Whatever the case, it’s fine if you send me another message a few days/weeks down the line as a friendly reminder that you messaged me before. Make your intentions known. If you’re writing to ask me out on a date and I didn’t respond and I still don’t, take the hint. If you’re writing because you honestly just want to hang out and don’t expect anything, and you tell me this, I might be more inclined to meet you. Or maybe I will want to go on that date. You really never know. All I do know is that there’s few things that irritate me more about online dating than assholes who want to call me names because I wasn’t interested in them. Get over it, psychos. It’s not cool. I should make a Tumblr reporting you all so no one dates you.****

11. The answers to your questions freak me out. Some people don’t take the question portion too seriously and give a lot of bullshit answers while others try to be as honest and consistent as possible. I don’t always read through people’s questions because, well, I don’t usually have the time or attention span for it. However, sometimes I like to give it a once over. Some red flag answers for me that might cause me to NOT answer you back? Anything that indicates you’re anti-choice/pro-life, extremely religious/religion-oriented (Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, whatever – it just doesn’t interest me and will likely cause major conflicts down the line), you don’t believe in evolution, you’re Republican or agree with the Tea Party in any way, you’re racist, you’re sexist… Need I go on? Everyone’s got their hot-button issues and these are mine. Don’t like em? I don’t want to date you.

12. I’m just not interested. Sometimes people just aren’t interested. I’ve sent out messages that went unanswered and lived to tell the tale. They either had one of the above reasons for not answering, had a different reason, or, the main reason – they just weren’t interested. And that’s okay. We’re not always physically, mentally, and/or emotionally attracted to everyone, no matter how nice and good looking and pleasant they might be or appear to others. It happens.

Hope that shed some light into this potentially perplexing problem. Now get out there and date some strangers! I swear it’s good for you.

 

 

*I’m not using any actual usernames i’ve seen to protect the quasi-innocent.

**Just joking about this. Kinda. I really don’t like Ron Paul or the kool-aid drinking following he’s got, but i’ll save that for a different post.

***Alright, maybe some porn stars can get away with it, but this is because we’re looking at other body parts most likely and forgot to check out the face.

****Future project? Maybe that’s a little too mean…

Lessons in Meeting People From The Internet

I’ve met over 20 people from the internet in the past year. Some of them have been incredible (the conversations, the outings, the sex), others have been brief and fun, and still others have been downright unpleasant. Many of my friends think this is crazy, and I suppose I can understand this. We grew up at a time when the Lifestyle network was banking on stories about girls being lured online by serial rapists/murderers; girls who would tell no one who they were going to see, and who eventually wound up in a ditch or cut up into little pieces in the woods only to later be discovered by anyone on the cast of Law & Order. But obviously not everyone ends up a victim to (seriously fascinating) internet sociopaths like the Montauk Grifter or worse, victim to complete sickos like the Craigslist Killer. If anything, most of us just end up with a few tame stories about people much like ourselves just looking to connect with anyone.

The first person I ever met from online was an old friend from my days in the AOL chat room back in the late 1990′s. My friend (who i’ll refer to as Alec) and I used to discuss everything from Marilyn Manson to Kids in the Hall throughout a portion of our early adolescence. Then, in 2009 (or 2010?), after many years of random IMs and texts, Alec told me he was coming down to Miami with his girlfriend at the time. The perfect opportunity to meet finally presented itself! We made plans to meet up at the bar on my university’s campus for an afternoon drink. I told my boyfriend at the time about my plans, and he wasn’t too keen on the idea.

“How do you know this guy’s even real?” he asked, more paranoid than usual.

Now, I suppose that it’s true that one could potentially create such an elaborate lie spanning over a decade just to meet one random girl from South Florida. But the odds that the many profiles Alec had created on various social networks over the years, not to mention the phone conversations we had, were actually all falsely created, were slim to nil. On top of that, we would be meeting in a public place during the day time and I was letting people know where I would be. I didn’t doubt that Alec was who he said he was, but I do admit I did want to err on the side of caution.

And so came the afternoon that we would meet. I left class that day in a hurry and rushed over to Titanic for our meeting. It was probably one of the best first-meetings i’ve ever had with anyone. Alec turned out to be exactly who he’d said he was and then some. We continued to speak after our meeting, after he returned to Buffalo, and I even wound up spending an unforgettable time with him in Ohio last Summer – all thanks to the internet.

Not every encounter goes like this, of course. I tell a story about a guy (i’ll call him Richie) that I went out on two brief dates with who I also met via the internet. More specifically, we met via the popular internet dating site, OKCupid. Richie was a native New Yorker finishing his undergrad in town. He was a good looking guy and at the time I had just re-entered the dating scene (having been in a relationship for a good 4 years prior). Richie was the 2nd guy I agreed to meet from OKC. We made plans to meet near his Brickell apartment for dinner. He seemed like a nice enough guy, although a little negative in general. The first red flag came up during our dinner, and it was the kind of flag that should have informed me that this was not the guy for me. There was a table full of women next to us who were all speaking Spanish.

“Why do people need to speak Spanish in public? I mean, this is America,” Richie griped.

The statement was so ridiculous that I just didn’t really know how to react. I’d just met this guy, a guy who I found to be physically attractive, a guy who seemed to have genuinely good taste (according to his profile, anyway), and then this. I put my anthropologist hat on and attempted to see things from his point of view. Why shouldn’t people speak another language in public? I asked. I drank my wine fast as he went on about how he wasn’t racist, how he didn’t mind that people speak other languages, but that he was fed up being in a city where people spoke another language more than English. He went on about his frustrations about being unable to always communicate since he didn’t speak Spanish. He said he thought it was ridiculous how people didn’t make an effort to learn. He continued to spew narrow minded responses until I finished my meal, and I tried to put it into my head that he didn’t really mean it in a bad way. Oh, the things we’ll tell ourselves when we’re trying to hit it off with someone.

The rest of the night went alright. I wound up meeting him again on another night after work. From the minute we met up, he began to whine about being hungry and what a shit day he’d had and wanting to just find a good place for a beer. We walked by several places, each of which he’d say something negative about.

I made a suggestion to hit up Transit Lounge, but when we got there, they didn’t have anything he wanted on draft. He complained about this and so I suggested we go elsewhere. We wound up going to this burger joint of his choosing. And then, the conversation killer began:

“I don’t get why people like shows like Sex and the City. All it teaches is women to be whores. Most TV does.”

Sigh. Suffice to say, he went on trying to explain his position and I retorted with the societal double standards regarding sex had by men and women, but he wouldn’t hear it. Then, smiling as politely as possible, I turned to him and said,

“Thank you for the beer but I don’t think this will ever work. I’m going to finish this drink now and walk out and then we’ll never see each other again.”

And that was that. My first (and potentially only) negative experience meeting someone from the internet.

Since then, I’ve been lucky to meet some pretty awesome people. While I was traveling last year, I used CouchSurfing as one of my main means of meeting folks and finding housing throughout the country. Couchsurfing, for those who don’t know, is a website where travelers can meet up and make plans to meet or even arrange cost-free housing while on the road. The great thing about the site is that it allows others to leave reviews of their experience with you to keep things just a bit more legitimate. I first did this in Pittsburgh and then also got to do it again in St. Louis, Memphis, and New Orleans. I definitely plan to start being more active in the Miami CS community soon, and hopefully even using it again on future travels.

Another site I’ve used to meet people (as I said before) is OKCupid. Some people are still of the mindset that online dating is hokey, while others I know personally have made great friends and even found their spouses as a result. Still, there’s a definite stigma attached to it that seems to hold a lot of people back from doing it. When I tell my friends i’m going on another OKC date/hangout, they often tell me they wouldn’t have the nerve to meet someone from the internet. But I’m here to preach the gospel of meeting new people (not necessarily just for dating), regardless of the means. So here’s a few tips to help you get over your online-people-are-scary mentality:

Taken from PieComic.com

1. Do your research. First and foremost, make sure you’ve spoken to this person online at least a few times before meeting them. Especially at first. If you’ve found someone via an internet profile site, make sure to read everything on the page and check all the pictures. You can get a good sense of whether or not they’re just an internet troll or the real thing. I’d say most people are legit. Depending on the site, maybe you can get a good sense of what their interests are (note these for topics of conversation). If you’ve got their full name, you could always go the extra step and Google them. Some people might see this as excessive, but it’s always an option for the extra paranoid types. If they’re on a site like CS, read their references. You can even check on their references’ pages to make sure they’re on the up and up.

2. Pick the right scenario. Alright. You’ve exchanged a few e-mails or IMs, maybe even swapped numbers to text each other to make plans. Now it’s time to decide where you’re going and what you’re going to do. When first meeting someone, it’s always wise to pick a public location. Even if you’re meeting someone near their home, it’s probably best to meet them outside, on the street, before deciding where to go next. Bars and restaurants and cafes tend to be ideal of course. Plenty of people around coupled with some form of activity (I find that having a good beverage on hand is nice when meeting someone new. Coffee, wine, tea, beer, whatever. Gives you both something to do while stripping away the awkward layers that always come with first meetings.)

3. Take a few safety precautions. Meeting in public as I just said is definitely one. But another precaution I like to take is letting at least one other person know where i’m going to be. Before heading out, text an address and maybe the name of who you’re going to be with to one of your good friends. I don’t ever enter these situations with the mindset that something will go badly, but it doesn’t hurt to be safe, especially when you’re a single female.

5. Make sure you’re comfortable. The first time you meet someone you’ve only spoken to online might be incredibly nerve wracking. It gets easier the more often you do it, but sometimes the jitters might still appear. Be sure that you’re comfortable with the entire situation. If you have a bad feeling about meeting someone (something about their profile or your conversations felt off, or they want to meet someplace very secluded, etc), don’t do it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about these situations, it’s trust your gut. Never agree to anything you’re not completely cool with. This of course varies from person to person.

6. Have a good time! You and your hang out buddy/potential date are both probably thinking the same things. “I hope they’re cool/they aren’t crazy/they like me” are generally what we all think before meeting someone new. Don’t put too much pressure on the night. Go into it like you would going into any night palling around with your best friends. If it’s someone you met from a dating site, it’s probably still best not to approach it as a date. Instead, just see where the night takes you. Sometimes people hit it off, sometimes they don’t. The important thing is to just enjoy meeting and getting to know someone new. Ask them questions, make jokes, make suggestions, relax. Breathe. Meeting someone new is not the end all be all of your social life. The more relaxed you are going in to the situation, the more relaxed the other person will be, and the more likely it will be that you have an enjoyable time.

Have you met anyone recently from the internet? Was it good, bad, just plain ugly? I’d love to hear your stories. More on meeting online folks and the world of internet dating to come!